New Relationship

9 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages

during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see

people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that

if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they

may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks

in the first place.

1. Delineate “yours,” “mine,” and “ours.” If you have finances that

should be placed in each of these three categories (for example,

you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he

accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking

account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation

about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about

your time away from “together” activities, like he wants to bowl

with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga

class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations.

Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you’re busy working and

attending meetings, but how important are those things if your

relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you

both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking

in a movie. Take regular vacations together — at least a couple of

long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations

(more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and

make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your

appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly,

eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking

at you, but you’ll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships

fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills

are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a

hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy

about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach

your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated,

angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and

reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only

viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently. Don’t judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in

the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and

considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving

embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send

unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your

mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a “just because” way.

Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were

dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your

partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the

chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of

sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your

partner’s pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite

meal when you know she’s had an impossible day, or entice him

into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like

these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had

burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for

one another in the form of the “terms” of your relationship together.

Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify

and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For

example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify

those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep

her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as

she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as

your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the

line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments

(needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down

a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your

needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it’s a

good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each

other — whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to

allow such a “contract” to ruin your relationship.